20+ Questions To See If Youth Hockey Taken Over Your Life?

Below is a list of 78 questions to ask yourself, or others, in order to find out if youth hockey has taken over your life and if you are way, way too involved. See how many you can answer “yes”. If it is more than half, you have problems. Welcome to the club. The list is compiled from several emails and postings I have collected over the years and is by no means all inclusive.

If you would like to help grow the list to over 100 items, please add additional questions in the comment section and I will update when the season is over, before tryouts start again, in between the recruiting meetings, which are after the sheduling meeting, and before signing day.

(Note: I am not the originator of the majority of these and claim no rights of authorship. The reason I put that discalimer here, instead of at the end, is because if you get to the end, you really do have problems.)

1. Are you fonder of your child's first skate than his or her first steps?

2. Was the child's first stuffed animal neither stuffed nor an animal, but a puck?

3. Did you contact NCAA scouts before your kid's 10th birthday?

4. Do you demand of your kid that a goal and an assist be scored before you'll let him or her eat?

5. Do you demand of your kid that a goal and an assist be scored before you'll let anyone in the family eat?

6. Do you make Zamboni references when your kids clean their plates?

7. Unless your child needs a ride, do you go to practice?

8. Have you ever found yourself at center ice, without skates on, in street clothes, during a game, as the only non-official adult on the ice, uninvited, cursing at an official? Have you ever dreamt of the above scenario?

9. Is your mug shot on a bulletin board at your local rink above the words, "barred from entry"?

10. Did you bribe the rink manager to take it down?

11. Do you think of sneaking through the ventilation system and into your son or daughter's opponent's locker room, where you can take sandpaper to a few strategically chosen skates?

12. Have you tried to return your son or daughter's stick to the pro shop because it had "no goals in it"?

13. Have you tried to return your son or daughter's skates to the pro shop because "everyone seems faster"?

14. Do you call your son or daughter by a different name - like, say, Stone Hands - depending on how well he or she plays?

15. Do you not call your son or daughter at all depending on how well he or she plays?

16. Do you have a spreadsheet on your fridge with your child's statistics?

17. Do you cheer during warm-ups?

18. Do you keep your kids stats during warm-ups?

19. Do you keep kids stats during practice?

20. Do you believe your kid shouldn't pass the puck?

21. Did you christen your child in a makeshift Stanley Cup?

22. On the day your child was born, did you work out the math on his draft-eligible year?

23. Do the candles on his cake correspond to the birth date or the years remaining "as an amateur"?

24. Have you ever refused to remove your foot from a coach's neck until he threatens legal action?

25. Have you ever threatened someone else at a game with legal action?

26. Have you ever threatened someone else at a game with your kid's Synergy?

27. Was your child's first word was the name of your favorite hockey team?

28. Do you wish your child's first word was the name of your favorite hockey team?

29. Have you yelled at your kid for not picking up on your telepathic message to shoot low to the stick side?

30. Have you ever made your kid run home, with his gear on his or her back, beside the car, for missing an open net?

31. Have you ever led an "S-I-E-V-E!" chant against a 10-year-old?

32. Do you include in your local youth hockey newsletter a section called "coaches on the hot seat"?

33. Do you refer to school days as "off days"?

34. Do you refer to game days as "what it's all about"?

35. Do practices make up a very large part of your social life?

36. Do you buy gloves according to how loud you can clap in them?

37. Do you speak often in sports cliches?

38. Do you forget the last compliment you've given to your kid's teammates?

39. Do you forget the last compliment you've given to your own kid? 

40. Do you base the next purchase of your vehicle on whether it will hold six kids, six sticks, and six hockey bags?

41. Do you know the location of every Pasta restaurant (or Starbucks) within a 400 mile radius?

42. Do you relate directions to places by the nearest rink?

43. Do you know every single kid on every single team your child has ever played on? But don't have a clue who his schoolmates are?

44. Do you feel lost when you have a free weekend?

45. Does your spouse wait until you decide where to sit and then choose a spot on the opposite side of the arena?

46. Do you dream of becoming partners in a skate sharpening business to save money?

47. Can you justify complaining about someone who gives hundreds of hours of their volunteer time to your child?

48. Do you ground your kids for a week except for hockey practice and off ice training)?

49. Can you rationalize spending $159 on a Synergy hockey stick for a 9 yr old, but won't spend $5 on a birthday card for your better half?

50. When someone asks how old your children are you respond "I have a 90 and a 93"?

51. Do you have to use a grandparent to take Kid #1 to a tournament because Dad was in a different state with Kid #2 and mom 2 states away with Kid #3?

52. Do you have more miles on a '06 SUV than a 66 Chevy?

53. Did you take out a second mortgage to pay for new equipment and hockey expenses?

54. Will you plan the birth of your next child so they have a good "hockey" birthday?

55. Was your new baby's first word "Zamboni"?

56. Do you find yourself missing parents of your child's teammates during the off-season?

57. Do you have more Hockey Mom/Dad T-shirts and Sweat Shirts than shoes?

58. Do you hate sending Christmas cards, because the stats only show half the season?

59. Do you refuse to make plans with friends until you check the kid's hockey schedule?

60. Do all of your computer passwords begin with "hockey" or a kid’s jersey #?

61. Have been barred from more than one rink on more than one occasion?

62. Did you ever purchase a new $195 stick because the old one did not have any goals left in it?

63. Do you know a few 5 yr olds that are good but "lack focus”?

64. Do your kids ask if Christmas and Thanksgiving are "home or away"?

65. Did you ask the Church for options when asked to decide between tryouts and First Communion?

66. Did you call back and ask for more information on tryouts when you received a letter from AAA Auto Club? 

67. Do you base the next purchase of your new vehicle on whether it will hold six pack? That’s six kids, six sticks, and six hockey bags?

68. Do you laugh when a co-worker says his kids play soccer? Or is in the band?

69. Do you complain about ice time when only 10 skaters showed up to that game?

70. Do you shout "Watch this! Watch this!" every time Junior touches the puck in practice?

71. Do you need new personalized license plates (again) since child changed teams?

72. Do you use the term "illegal recruiting" in a post discussing 95's?

73. Do all of your photos of family vacations with a Canadian flag in background?

74. Do you have to explain that the pilgrims didn't play hockey, and Thanksgiving is actually a holiday, not just a tournament?

75. Can you compose a sentence, or have a conversation that doesn't use at least one of the following words: "elite", "select", "AAA", Nationals", "premier" or "tryouts"?

76. Do you think a '93 Merlot Select is a new NJ hockey team, and want to know when tryouts are?

77. Want to try for another kid, so you can start younger?

78. Does your hockey related e-mail at work exceed business related e-mail even during the off season?


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